I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
