I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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