we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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