I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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