Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
