life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize