Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
