4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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