I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
