fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
