I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
