I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
