I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
