Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
