Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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