In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Let's get the cat blown out
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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