Pregnant stripper...not hot.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
