Don't make out with my wife yet
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
