Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
The best revenge is premature balding
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
