The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
