this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
