sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
