He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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