So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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