fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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