upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
