Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
