Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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