it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
He passed out mid-signature
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
