Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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