I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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