So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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