Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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