we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
