He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I CAN MOONWALK!
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
