I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
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