college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
