It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
