Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
