Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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