Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
