ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
