I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
