Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
