She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
