we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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