I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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