Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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