He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
im holly from the hills drunk
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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