We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
