I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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