Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
